Hit Me With Your Best ShotPosted on Mon, Apr 01, 2013

Cancer Aint For Wimps

Dear Friends and Family,

There have been a few changes in the plan since the last time I wrote. I met with Dr. Yamado, my radiologist, who informed me that no, in fact I would not be having surgery. It turns out he had a chance to talk to Dr. Finley, the surgeon, and they chatted a bit. About things. Like the weather. And the Mets. And about blasting my body with 8000 degrees of radiation.

Turns out the chances of killing this thing are exactly the same, whether or not they cut it out first. So we went behind Door #2 and opted to skip the whole “Cut Ben Open” part and just go for the Giant Ray of Death.

Do you expect me to talk?

Artist’s rendering of radiation treatment

A few weeks ago, they brought me in, made a mold of my body, scanned me, lined me up with lasers and gave me my prison ink – little tattoos to ensure I’m in the same position when I come back for treatment. All that information went off to the nerds in the Physics Department (I swear that is actually what they call them) to do their mathe-magic about how much radiation goes where. This should be a one-shot deal, and I will be able to walk in and walk out.

This Tuesday, April 2nd is the big day! I will head back in (with soon-to-be-radioactive spider in tow) for Dr. Yamado to hit me with his best shot. He says he never misses. The side effects remain to be seen, but since it will burn the Tumor-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named out of my body, we’re willing to take it as it comes. But the main side effect will most likely be an epic sore throat, as my nearby esophagus will catch some collateral damage. I will be on a liquid diet for a week or so, which will help me keep my girlish figure and get me ready for bikini season!


My dear friend Kali Quinn has taken it upon herself to produce a fundraising performance for me here in New York City entitled “Cancer ain’t for Wimps”. I am honored and shocked to announce that my long-time inspiration BILL IRWIN will be headlining an amazing cast of physical theatre performers including Daniel Stein, Hilary Chaplain and Lindsay Benner, and featuring the musical talents of THE HOT SARDINES.

This is really happening. I know you are getting this on April Fools Day, but I promise you it’s not a joke. The show, on the other hand, will be hilarious! It will be Monday, April 29th at 7:00pm at (get this) the Signature Theatre. Yes, that one. Kali will be sending out information sometime in the next day or so with a link to buy tickets, so keep an eye out for that! If you’re in the New York area, come on down, I’d love to see you!

Love, Lilacs and Freakin’ Laser Beams,

– Ben

Categorized as Zipperlist Updates

About the Author

An actor trained in physical theater, living in New York City, livin' the dream. I am married to an amazing woman without whom I'd probably be dead by now, and step-dad to the irrepressible Izzy! I sculpt masks, I juggle, I act, I design graphically-type-stuff, and when offered the choice between two evils, I take the one I've never tried before. I listen, I fly planes, I bike to the beach, I am a tea brewing ninja, I design new board games with my daughter, and I tell stories... too many stories. And while I used to be trying to learn to juggle my work, living in this city, my dreams, my wife, but now I am reminded every day they are all one, all my life, and every day is one more day I get to live it.

Comments (One Response)

All Content © Zipperleg Chronicles 2013 - Except for most of the photos, those are taken from the Internet. Sorry.
I am not a doctor, so none of my ramblings should be taken as medical fact.
Your milage may vary.