The Wind Beneath My WingsPosted on Wed, Jun 19, 2013
Dear Family and Friends,
Well, the results are in! The Tumor Who Shall Not Be Named is shrinking. The life is being choked out of it and blood is no longer flowing to it. We’ll keep an eye out over the next couple of months, watching as it withers away and hopefully dies completely. If it gets out of line, we’ll hit it again with the Death Ray.
Muah-ha-ha!
Speaking of hitting, our old friend The Little Bastard has decided to start growing again, or as our friend Laetitia put it “It’s being a tease.”. First it grows, then it shrinks, then it grows some more! It’s a very indecisive Little Bastard. Which is why we’ve decided, after much consideration, to introduce it to Mr. Death Ray. We think they will get along swimmingly. And by “swimmingly” I mean “beat it up, take its lunch money, and leave it bleeding on the playground”. Mr. Death Ray is a bit of a bully. I’ve found I like that about him.
Turns out my particular brand of cancer is rather sensitive to radiation. Which is really good, because The Little Bastard is located in such a sensitive spot in my lung, surgery is only for last-ditch emergency use. Even the Jiffy-Pop method (they like to call it Interventional Radiology, but they’re not fooling anyone) would have a good deal of risk. So it’s Dr. Yamada up at bat!
I had my “simulation” today. They once again strapped me down on top of this blue bag full of expanding foam – like a medical arts and crafts project – lined me up with lasers and gave me some more ink. That’s right. I’m so tatted up, I’m considering joining a motorcycle gang. This time though, instead of “One and Done”, it’s more like “Three and Done” which doesn’t rhyme at all, but is at least technically accurate. Kristin says it’s “Three and Free” because once they do it, we’re free for the rest of the summer!
I want to tell you something. Experiencing the love and joy with so many friends that night at the fundraiser has had a profound effect on me. I realized that for the last two and a half years, I’ve been waiting for the Final OK. Underneath my daily life, I was truly scared, waiting. I kept hoping the next scan would confirm once and for all that everything was going to be all right so I can get on with my life. The fear of finding out I’d have to keep waiting was even worse than the dread of the bad news itself.
That night made me realize the Big OK was never coming, that this cancer is something I will always be dealing with, and that’s okay. It’s just part of my life now, like brushing my teeth. And if something comes up, we’ll deal with it. But in the meantime, it’s time to stop waiting. It’s time to just let it go and get on with living my life. Because of that night, something inside me shifted and that underlying fear is gone. Win or lose, we got this handled. And I want you to know that your love and support, both on that night and through the last few years has gotten me to this place. Thank you.
Or, to put it another way: “You are the wind beneath my wings”, whichever works for you.
– Ben
Categorized as Zipperlist Updates
